Just a Second!

I wish you could see inside my head for just one second, Not an hour, not a day, not a week. But just one second. Im pretty sure you would be exhausted.

I wish everyone who has never suffered with anxiety or depression could wear a virtual reality headset and see. You may think phrases like "its not that bad" "snap out of it" "its going to be alright" "Think of all the things you have to be happy about" "There are people worse off than you" and on and on it goes with ridiculous things you stupid non depressed non anxious people say.

It is that fucking bad, I cant fucking snap out of it, Its not going to alfuckingright, I cant see the good things at this time, I cant think about other fucking people right now. Do you know how those things make me and others feel? Do you even care?

No you don't care, because if you did you wouldn't back off, you wouldn't leave, you wouldn't stop talking. Every minute of every day the bad outweighs the good. Sometimes I can deal with it and sometimes I cant. Sometimes I voice my feelings on facebook and get ridiculous inane comments that make me laugh out loud in a maniacal kind of a way while secretly wishing I could just hit them over the head for being a twatwaffle.

When you have dealt with family rejection, spousal abuse, failed relationships, failed friendships, do you think Im going to trust anyone that easily? No I don't. But I think about every single one of these things every minute of every day and wonder where I went wrong, wondering why I get punished for the past which I cannot change now anyway.

Is a person to suffer for every mistake, every choice made throughout their whole life for the rest of their life? Apparently yes and do you know what that does to a person?

Do you know how a mother plays her childens lives over and over in her head to try and make sense of how they treat her.

How a person tries to analyze every relationship looking for answers.

How a person continues to push people away, because of fear.

How much the guilt and rejection and fear eats away at you, corroding your very soul. Wearing you down, every second. To that moment you don't want to even live anymore.

One minute you are smiling, and the next second the tears are pouring down your face. You feel this guilt for having good moment. You feel like you don't deserve it, its not real, its fake, everyone is fake. No-one really likes you, no-one really cares, there is no-one , just you feeling like your stuck in some warped twisted episode of groundhog day/ American horror story mash up. You are blind, blind to any of the good things. I cant help that, it just happens, sometimes the bad is all encompassing.

The pain that starts way deep in your stomach and is a pressing weight on your chest, making your heart pound and your mouth dry, your head is hurting and your body sweating. This is just the anxiety is , but not always sometimes it manifests itself in different ways.

This is just one second, just one.

So before you make a comment, before you pass judgement, Take a second to think about what you are about to say. Because you cant unsay it and I can never forget it. Sometimes its better to say " just thinking of you" but no that's just too nice for this world of chaos and destruction. So just don't say anything.

Method in my Madness

Hey, so I haven't blogged in a while, this is due to the fact that apart from sleeping, working, and doing theater with time to eat when I can, I've not done much else. There hasn't been a lot of time to sit and write down on paper the shit that runs through my head at an alarming pace every waking moment.

Right now I'm in two shows back to back , One is Sister Act and then once that's done 3 days later Blithe spirit opens.

Theater is something that I'm really new to, it hasn't been a lot of time since starting which was last year with Mary Poppins. Once you do it though it can be pretty addictive, well it has been in my case. I haven't always been cast in shows I've auditioned for and yes its disheartening for many, and  yes for me too but usually I've found a good reason why it probably was a good job I didn't get the part.

Then there are the times that  I haven't auditioned at all and asked to play a particular part, which actually is quite an awesome feeling.

Now I've heard comments like "its not nice to brag" Is it bragging to be proud of something you are doing? is it bragging to want to tell your friends about things you are doing?

Maybe it is and maybe I should listen to the anxiety beast and just be quiet and not share at all. Just keep my joy inside. Just go back to being afraid to speak for fear of criticism, thinking that no-one really wants to hear what I have to say. Do you know how those few words can have a tremendous impact on a person.

People who don't have anxiety cannot fully understand the overpowering feeling someone's words can have. The hours a person spends worrying about what someone said or didn't say, their facial expression.

Theater has become way for me to step away from the anxiety, when you become a different person in a different life for a role, its like reinventing yourself for a brief period of time. When I take on a role no matter how small, I have a whole background for that character it helps with playing a character when you become one with that person. You become that person, you feel how they feel, you live their experiences. I believe this is what they refer to as method acting.

When you find something that you can embrace like I have done with theater, that calms the beast, isn't that something worth bragging about? Im not saying it cures the anxiety because it doesn't. Prime example of this last nigh when we got on stage to practice a dance routine it didn't work on the stage like it did in the rehearsal room due to other things on the stage and the routine had to be altered somewhat. I could feel the ball in my stomach rising, rising as if to choke me, the pounding in my chest and my mind going at a speed about to completely freak out. That's how it is. Dealing with change is not an easy thing for me to do.

So when I find something that helps me cope, don't belittle it, because you don't realize that those words get remembered for a long time. I just wish it hadn't take me 40 years to find this passion that I have for bringing a role to life.

Do you want fries with that?

Its not that I don't care, but peoples habits while fascinating are not what I base a relationship on. Well unless you pick your nose all the time then we cant ever be friends because that's just gross. I read so many meme's on Facebook about so many different things and I wonder how many of these meme's really say what we are afraid to say out loud. Why is it easier to post a meme than to say what we really feel. Why is it easier to make a joke out of something we suffer with or find hard to handle than it is to admit it. I think its because we are afraid of being judged.

Do you judge? I think we are all guilty of judging people based on a visual only, but do you know the struggle that person is having inside?

If you said what you were thinking to them face to face would they be upset?

If you laughed at them behind their back, could you do it to their face?

Why do people have this preconception of a person that they don't even know. I saw some people on my Facebook making fun of a picture of a larger lady. It was this incident that sparked off the thought process for this blog. I didn't think it was funny and I began to wonder why they did.

Men and women come in all shapes and sizes and just because one size doesn't appeal to you doesn't mean that its disgusting. It just means they don't appeal to you.

Many people associate those who are of the larger variety to mean they overeat, then the meme's come to my mind about food being on our minds all the time. But are they big because they overeat or is there a different reason? And so therefore who are you to judge when you don't know them or their lives.

I mean how would those guys on Facebook feel if the role was reversed?

Do men even possess the compassionate gene? are they capable of being empathetic? or are they shallow creatures they don't feel emotion like women do? Or is it that they are brought up to believe that showing emotions is a girl thing and so they don't show it.

Having said all that I know for a fact that its not just men but women as well who judge others by their size. We see it all the time on social media , its bullying pure and simple and nothing else.

But stop and think for a moment before you judge. What if it was you.

I have mentioned before that I have an eating disorder, I cant help it , I work on it day after day after day. But its always there and I cant control it. It has affected my weight and my self confidence my whole life.
To be honest this is how it is. I eat my meal and my mind doesn't tell me im full so I feel like I need to keep eating. Occasionally I will say Im stuffed but not long after I feel hungry again. I don't know why its like that.

I have tried diet after diet after diet and nothing works. My doctor suggested I have bariatric
surgery. But when you have mental health issues they are very reluctant to perform this. My anxiety along with other issues is not completely under control yet and so this surgery is out of the question.

Apparently you cant be sane and thin at the same time.

The only way I have ever been able to lose weight is to practically starve myself. because if I don't start to eat then I have nothing to stop because im not eating. But then you get the its not fair and why cant I ? all these feelings and then the anxiety.

Ugh its a vicious cycle of not caring, and then wanting to be thin and then not caring what people think but wanting to be healthy and then secretly worrying about what others think of you and what they are thinking every time you eat that cookie, or that piece of pie or that cupcake or that donut, or that extra serving of lasagna , that second plate at a buffet. Then the feelings of guilt because you cant control it and you cant look like everyone else because this disorder is controlling you.

You see why I have anxiety. And how dare some judge me for the way I have to live my life because of this.

But they do, and if they don't judge you they are judging someone else for their life choices or maybe for things they cant control.

It doesn't matter what you do , someone somewhere is going to judge you, whether you drink wine every night, or eat cupcakes over the sink, have tattoos, have piercings, are black or white, are gay, choose not to have children, are a stay at home mom, are a mom who works, are a single mom.

So basically everyone is screwed because someone somewhere isn't going to like your choices, and you know what, often its not a choice, it just is the way it is.

We all have our battles and wars we are fighting in our lives. Sometimes we spend so much time fighting the demons and being afraid of the people who will judge us , we forget to live!

Someone somewhere will read this and know that they are not alone, that there is someone out that who is going through similar things and will feel comforted.

Just because you are struggling with something doesn't make you a freak and something to be mocked.

It's what makes you human.

Road Safety

Im unsure how to start this entry. Its really about drivers and driving in general. Im not a huge fan of driving on the interstate, basically because other people are crazy. While I drive on the cautious side I am by no means a slow driver, well not really - I mean I do the speed limit, if that makes me a slow driver then so be it but I also try to allow for the crazies out there on the road.

I have to smile at the guy who speeds to be ahead of me only to end up at the red light at the same time, really what did you gain? a few inches of road? My My how superior you must feel now. Do you think that driving 2 inches from my bumper is going to make me drive as fast as you think I should be going? If anything this is going to make me go slower.

There are two things I don't like - driving in the dark and driving in the rain and if both of those things happen together then Im going to be extra careful. For one thing in this country the interstates don't have road lights all along them, once you are out of the main town area the road lights are done and you are left in mostly blackness with the glare of oncoming traffic and the rising possibility of wildlife running out and totaling your car.

This is not how it is in UK, motorways are mostly well lit and there isn't random animals waiting on the curb ready to run into your car.

All that being said if more people were a little more courteous and thoughtful about other drivers and people on the road maybe there wouldn't be as many accidents , maybe there wouldn't be as many deaths.

Maybe if you used your turn signal, you wouldn't make the person behind you angry who then in turn may drive more aggressive. You have no idea what effect your actions have on the next person. Next thing you know you honk at some random driver and he stops at the stop light, gets out his car and pulls a gun on you! How do you know what will happen? Does it really hurt you to think about the other person?

Has this world and this generation deteriorated that much that we are so selfish we have no concern for our fellow man?

That you don't think about what you are really doing? Driving along in a fragile metal box on wheels at some god awful speed and you think its a good idea to look at your phone? you think its a good idea to take your hands off the wheel and type a message? send a selfie? make a phone call? take your eyes off the road at 70 miles an hour do you think about what you are doing and what you are risking?

You risk that child's life who is sat in the back seat of the car in front.
You risk that fathers life who is struggling to provide for his family.
You risk that road construction workers life working on that road you are on.
You risk that truck drivers life who cant stop in time and crushes you into the back of the next car and the next and the next.
You risk that mothers life who is bringing her newborn baby home

How many lives are that selfie worth?
How many lives will you sacrifice to send a text?

Would it kill you to pull over or off the road?

No it wouldn't kill you to pull over but it might kill so many others if you don't.

Who decided that this would be a good idea? Ive seen people texting, applying make up, reading, and watching a dvd?
What part of those things seems like a good idea?

In the old days when cars were first invented a person would walk in front waving a flag to keep people safe!

Maybe we should revert to that!

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind The Curtain

Many people suffer with mental illness and its different for everyone. Do I? yes! do you? I dont know, do I care if you do? yes I care a great deal but at the same time I am battling with my own demons. Major Depressive Disorder with anxiety, and an eating disorder. I am not looking for sympathy, this entry is merely a glimpse into how my mind works, and what would happen if I gave in to the demons.
Do I feel sad? is that what depression is?

Sad? I suppose in a small way, Its not wanting to get up in the morning, Its wanting to stay hidden and alone, and at the same time wanting to be noticed and have friends. Its the sound screaming in my head wishing for silence, its the loud noises that I cant stand, Its the sound of your phone dinging with some notification, the ensuing suspicion and doubt of myself and my self worth.

Anxiety? Its the fear of the unknown. The fear of meeting new people, The fear of never meeting new people. The fear of rejection. The fear of let down, this makes you want to not even try. friends just let you down. The pounding heart beat. The nausea. The sound of rushing in your ears. Every sound accentuated, makes it seem 3 times louder than it really is.

Depression - the feeling that no-one cares, how could anyone love someone like me? 2 failed marriages what does that tell you about me? that Im really not that lovable, Im barely even likeable. The desperate need to be wanted by someone but then disbelief when they do, the lack of trust. The suspicion that the person you are with will find someone else prettier, slimmer, better than you. When you feel you give everything you have to give and no-one really gives a shit anyway.

An eating disorder - eating because it the only thing you can control, only you cant control it, it controls you and everyone looks at you and you know what they are thinking. And you wonder why anyone likes you at all because you are just that fat bitch with a British accent, and no-one really cares about you, they just want to be one of the people that knows the Brit chick, like you are some party toy.

How can anyone deal with this much going on in their brain, believe me its exhausting and then on top of that I dont sleep, because every night I relive every single thing that happened during the day. And again my heart pounds and my palms sweat and I fear that i upset someone at work and I fear I hurt someones feelings .

And theres the weekends when I fear the episodes of intense rage, the wanting to walk away and not deal with the rage which burns me up and makes me feel like I could kill someone. The leave me alone and then the please love me.

My poor husband who sticks with me and holds me when I fall apart, the man who wont let me go no matter what. The man who sees the rage and shows no fear, and you know how I repay him? I accuse him of cheating because who would want to love a psycho like me?

This is what goes on in my head, But I dont give in, That doesn't mean I haven't wanted to give in, to make it stop, I do and have wanted that so much.

I push myself, I make myself do things. I audition for plays, which by the way is the scariest thing ever, But if I didnt push myself I would give in and the demons will win. I make new friends ,  I tell myself Im worth it even if I dont believe it.

I do this so Im not the man behind the curtain, I want to be Dorothy who gets the ruby slippers and has a dream and has adventure.

I dont know why I have a mental illness, and I know I will always struggle with it, but I also want a life. never do I want a gravestone that says "Born- Died-" I want it to say "she lived a full life"

Is it easy NO not ever, but I try , I fall and I get back up , it hurts and move along, its loud and I calm it down.

I try.

I do or I dont?

As we come into wedding season,it has made me stop and think about the evolution of "The Wedding". I hear phrases like bridal shower. In my day you met someone, you got engaged, you set a date, you mailed with a stamp an invitation and people came to the wedding or maybe they didn't, and maybe they brought a gift or maybe they didn't and no-one was keeping score in that regard. The bride family usually paid for everything or sometimes even just the couple themselves depending on circumstances. This day the wedding day has always been held in such high esteem and everyone has huge expectations of the dress and the cake and the food and the music. A dress is a dress is a dress..isn't it? What good is a dress that you spend so much money on and can only wear for one day? no I take that back not even a day sometimes a few hours! In some cultures the extravagance of the dress showed everyone how rich the family were..who cares? Buying an expensive dress for what? the photos? is it worth it? and then bridesmaids when did it change from the brides family paying for everything to the bridesmaids buying their own? and not even their choice but the brides choice, so it may not be flattering or a color you like or it might be several hundred dollars but if you want to be in the wedding party you have to buy it and if you don't then you and the bride aren't friends anymore? You don't get to be in the wedding just because you cant afford the dress she wants? Its not just the dress though is it, Its the shoes a well. and it doesn't stop there what about flowers? and then a gift for the bridal shower and then money for the bachelorlette party wherever that might be ..Vegas? somewhere equally expensive which the bridesmaid has to pay for. and then in some instances guests have to pay for their meal and the reception WTF? oh and don't forget the ultimate gift for the actual wedding as well. So its beginning to look way more expensive for the bridesmaids than the bride. When did this evolution happen? when did it get to be like this? A bridal shower whats that about? is it a way for the couple to get extra gifts? According to some sources not only do you have to buy a gift whether you go or not. Your gift also gets exposed and I guess put up for ridicule if its not expensive/good enough. The poor person who buys something small because she works part time and has 3 children. The person who considers the bride to be a special friend but cant afford to buy the dress and the shoes, go to Vegas, buy a bridal shower gift, buy an actual wedding gift, she obviously wasn't that special if the bride cuts her out the wedding. What a crock of shit! Id rather have a dress I could wear again, a wedding where everyone could eat whatever they wanted without paying, a potluck even, Bring a gift , don't bring a gift, just come be here on my day. Who writes the etiquette for these occasions and why did they become a thing. Seems to me its all about the greed, its all about who can spend the most money, who can have the fanciest dress. I understand that girls want to be princesses on their special day. but is it really worth spending all that money, going into debt or your family going into debt for one days activities, its a very scary thought to me. Plus now the bride and groom now almost tell you what they want, which color they want it in and what store to get it at. Or they jut ask for money.Where did the thought go? Now we apparently cant even give a gift that we think they might like. Ok so I guess it cuts down on getting 12 toasters but isn't it the thought the counts? Apparently not. Weddings are not about friendship, family, happiness, they're about money pure and simple. Although I do acknowledge that this does not apply to everyone. That to some it is about friendship and family. I also acknowledge that weddings are an expensive business but don't have to be, because really aren't you getting married to show you each other you want to spend the rest of your life together. And really, how much does that really cost? Surely the most important part is the rest of your life together, not a few hours that cost you into the thousands.