Just a Second!

I wish you could see inside my head for just one second, Not an hour, not a day, not a week. But just one second. Im pretty sure you would be exhausted.

I wish everyone who has never suffered with anxiety or depression could wear a virtual reality headset and see. You may think phrases like "its not that bad" "snap out of it" "its going to be alright" "Think of all the things you have to be happy about" "There are people worse off than you" and on and on it goes with ridiculous things you stupid non depressed non anxious people say.

It is that fucking bad, I cant fucking snap out of it, Its not going to alfuckingright, I cant see the good things at this time, I cant think about other fucking people right now. Do you know how those things make me and others feel? Do you even care?

No you don't care, because if you did you wouldn't back off, you wouldn't leave, you wouldn't stop talking. Every minute of every day the bad outweighs the good. Sometimes I can deal with it and sometimes I cant. Sometimes I voice my feelings on facebook and get ridiculous inane comments that make me laugh out loud in a maniacal kind of a way while secretly wishing I could just hit them over the head for being a twatwaffle.

When you have dealt with family rejection, spousal abuse, failed relationships, failed friendships, do you think Im going to trust anyone that easily? No I don't. But I think about every single one of these things every minute of every day and wonder where I went wrong, wondering why I get punished for the past which I cannot change now anyway.

Is a person to suffer for every mistake, every choice made throughout their whole life for the rest of their life? Apparently yes and do you know what that does to a person?

Do you know how a mother plays her childens lives over and over in her head to try and make sense of how they treat her.

How a person tries to analyze every relationship looking for answers.

How a person continues to push people away, because of fear.

How much the guilt and rejection and fear eats away at you, corroding your very soul. Wearing you down, every second. To that moment you don't want to even live anymore.

One minute you are smiling, and the next second the tears are pouring down your face. You feel this guilt for having good moment. You feel like you don't deserve it, its not real, its fake, everyone is fake. No-one really likes you, no-one really cares, there is no-one , just you feeling like your stuck in some warped twisted episode of groundhog day/ American horror story mash up. You are blind, blind to any of the good things. I cant help that, it just happens, sometimes the bad is all encompassing.

The pain that starts way deep in your stomach and is a pressing weight on your chest, making your heart pound and your mouth dry, your head is hurting and your body sweating. This is just the anxiety is , but not always sometimes it manifests itself in different ways.

This is just one second, just one.

So before you make a comment, before you pass judgement, Take a second to think about what you are about to say. Because you cant unsay it and I can never forget it. Sometimes its better to say " just thinking of you" but no that's just too nice for this world of chaos and destruction. So just don't say anything.

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind The Curtain

Many people suffer with mental illness and its different for everyone. Do I? yes! do you? I dont know, do I care if you do? yes I care a great deal but at the same time I am battling with my own demons. Major Depressive Disorder with anxiety, and an eating disorder. I am not looking for sympathy, this entry is merely a glimpse into how my mind works, and what would happen if I gave in to the demons.
Do I feel sad? is that what depression is?

Sad? I suppose in a small way, Its not wanting to get up in the morning, Its wanting to stay hidden and alone, and at the same time wanting to be noticed and have friends. Its the sound screaming in my head wishing for silence, its the loud noises that I cant stand, Its the sound of your phone dinging with some notification, the ensuing suspicion and doubt of myself and my self worth.

Anxiety? Its the fear of the unknown. The fear of meeting new people, The fear of never meeting new people. The fear of rejection. The fear of let down, this makes you want to not even try. friends just let you down. The pounding heart beat. The nausea. The sound of rushing in your ears. Every sound accentuated, makes it seem 3 times louder than it really is.

Depression - the feeling that no-one cares, how could anyone love someone like me? 2 failed marriages what does that tell you about me? that Im really not that lovable, Im barely even likeable. The desperate need to be wanted by someone but then disbelief when they do, the lack of trust. The suspicion that the person you are with will find someone else prettier, slimmer, better than you. When you feel you give everything you have to give and no-one really gives a shit anyway.

An eating disorder - eating because it the only thing you can control, only you cant control it, it controls you and everyone looks at you and you know what they are thinking. And you wonder why anyone likes you at all because you are just that fat bitch with a British accent, and no-one really cares about you, they just want to be one of the people that knows the Brit chick, like you are some party toy.

How can anyone deal with this much going on in their brain, believe me its exhausting and then on top of that I dont sleep, because every night I relive every single thing that happened during the day. And again my heart pounds and my palms sweat and I fear that i upset someone at work and I fear I hurt someones feelings .

And theres the weekends when I fear the episodes of intense rage, the wanting to walk away and not deal with the rage which burns me up and makes me feel like I could kill someone. The leave me alone and then the please love me.

My poor husband who sticks with me and holds me when I fall apart, the man who wont let me go no matter what. The man who sees the rage and shows no fear, and you know how I repay him? I accuse him of cheating because who would want to love a psycho like me?

This is what goes on in my head, But I dont give in, That doesn't mean I haven't wanted to give in, to make it stop, I do and have wanted that so much.

I push myself, I make myself do things. I audition for plays, which by the way is the scariest thing ever, But if I didnt push myself I would give in and the demons will win. I make new friends ,  I tell myself Im worth it even if I dont believe it.

I do this so Im not the man behind the curtain, I want to be Dorothy who gets the ruby slippers and has a dream and has adventure.

I dont know why I have a mental illness, and I know I will always struggle with it, but I also want a life. never do I want a gravestone that says "Born- Died-" I want it to say "she lived a full life"

Is it easy NO not ever, but I try , I fall and I get back up , it hurts and move along, its loud and I calm it down.

I try.