I wish you could see inside my head for just one second, Not an hour, not a day, not a week. But just one second. Im pretty sure you would be exhausted.
I wish everyone who has never suffered with anxiety or depression could wear a virtual reality headset and see. You may think phrases like "its not that bad" "snap out of it" "its going to be alright" "Think of all the things you have to be happy about" "There are people worse off than you" and on and on it goes with ridiculous things you stupid non depressed non anxious people say.
It is that fucking bad, I cant fucking snap out of it, Its not going to alfuckingright, I cant see the good things at this time, I cant think about other fucking people right now. Do you know how those things make me and others feel? Do you even care?
No you don't care, because if you did you wouldn't back off, you wouldn't leave, you wouldn't stop talking. Every minute of every day the bad outweighs the good. Sometimes I can deal with it and sometimes I cant. Sometimes I voice my feelings on facebook and get ridiculous inane comments that make me laugh out loud in a maniacal kind of a way while secretly wishing I could just hit them over the head for being a twatwaffle.
When you have dealt with family rejection, spousal abuse, failed relationships, failed friendships, do you think Im going to trust anyone that easily? No I don't. But I think about every single one of these things every minute of every day and wonder where I went wrong, wondering why I get punished for the past which I cannot change now anyway.
Is a person to suffer for every mistake, every choice made throughout their whole life for the rest of their life? Apparently yes and do you know what that does to a person?
Do you know how a mother plays her childens lives over and over in her head to try and make sense of how they treat her.
How a person tries to analyze every relationship looking for answers.
How a person continues to push people away, because of fear.
How much the guilt and rejection and fear eats away at you, corroding your very soul. Wearing you down, every second. To that moment you don't want to even live anymore.
One minute you are smiling, and the next second the tears are pouring down your face. You feel this guilt for having good moment. You feel like you don't deserve it, its not real, its fake, everyone is fake. No-one really likes you, no-one really cares, there is no-one , just you feeling like your stuck in some warped twisted episode of groundhog day/ American horror story mash up. You are blind, blind to any of the good things. I cant help that, it just happens, sometimes the bad is all encompassing.
The pain that starts way deep in your stomach and is a pressing weight on your chest, making your heart pound and your mouth dry, your head is hurting and your body sweating. This is just the anxiety is , but not always sometimes it manifests itself in different ways.
This is just one second, just one.
So before you make a comment, before you pass judgement, Take a second to think about what you are about to say. Because you cant unsay it and I can never forget it. Sometimes its better to say " just thinking of you" but no that's just too nice for this world of chaos and destruction. So just don't say anything.