Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind The Curtain

Many people suffer with mental illness and its different for everyone. Do I? yes! do you? I dont know, do I care if you do? yes I care a great deal but at the same time I am battling with my own demons. Major Depressive Disorder with anxiety, and an eating disorder. I am not looking for sympathy, this entry is merely a glimpse into how my mind works, and what would happen if I gave in to the demons.
Do I feel sad? is that what depression is?

Sad? I suppose in a small way, Its not wanting to get up in the morning, Its wanting to stay hidden and alone, and at the same time wanting to be noticed and have friends. Its the sound screaming in my head wishing for silence, its the loud noises that I cant stand, Its the sound of your phone dinging with some notification, the ensuing suspicion and doubt of myself and my self worth.

Anxiety? Its the fear of the unknown. The fear of meeting new people, The fear of never meeting new people. The fear of rejection. The fear of let down, this makes you want to not even try. friends just let you down. The pounding heart beat. The nausea. The sound of rushing in your ears. Every sound accentuated, makes it seem 3 times louder than it really is.

Depression - the feeling that no-one cares, how could anyone love someone like me? 2 failed marriages what does that tell you about me? that Im really not that lovable, Im barely even likeable. The desperate need to be wanted by someone but then disbelief when they do, the lack of trust. The suspicion that the person you are with will find someone else prettier, slimmer, better than you. When you feel you give everything you have to give and no-one really gives a shit anyway.

An eating disorder - eating because it the only thing you can control, only you cant control it, it controls you and everyone looks at you and you know what they are thinking. And you wonder why anyone likes you at all because you are just that fat bitch with a British accent, and no-one really cares about you, they just want to be one of the people that knows the Brit chick, like you are some party toy.

How can anyone deal with this much going on in their brain, believe me its exhausting and then on top of that I dont sleep, because every night I relive every single thing that happened during the day. And again my heart pounds and my palms sweat and I fear that i upset someone at work and I fear I hurt someones feelings .

And theres the weekends when I fear the episodes of intense rage, the wanting to walk away and not deal with the rage which burns me up and makes me feel like I could kill someone. The leave me alone and then the please love me.

My poor husband who sticks with me and holds me when I fall apart, the man who wont let me go no matter what. The man who sees the rage and shows no fear, and you know how I repay him? I accuse him of cheating because who would want to love a psycho like me?

This is what goes on in my head, But I dont give in, That doesn't mean I haven't wanted to give in, to make it stop, I do and have wanted that so much.

I push myself, I make myself do things. I audition for plays, which by the way is the scariest thing ever, But if I didnt push myself I would give in and the demons will win. I make new friends ,  I tell myself Im worth it even if I dont believe it.

I do this so Im not the man behind the curtain, I want to be Dorothy who gets the ruby slippers and has a dream and has adventure.

I dont know why I have a mental illness, and I know I will always struggle with it, but I also want a life. never do I want a gravestone that says "Born- Died-" I want it to say "she lived a full life"

Is it easy NO not ever, but I try , I fall and I get back up , it hurts and move along, its loud and I calm it down.

I try.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

I do or I dont?

As we come into wedding season,it has made me stop and think about the evolution of "The Wedding". I hear phrases like bridal shower. In my day you met someone, you got engaged, you set a date, you mailed with a stamp an invitation and people came to the wedding or maybe they didn't, and maybe they brought a gift or maybe they didn't and no-one was keeping score in that regard. The bride family usually paid for everything or sometimes even just the couple themselves depending on circumstances. This day the wedding day has always been held in such high esteem and everyone has huge expectations of the dress and the cake and the food and the music. A dress is a dress is a dress..isn't it? What good is a dress that you spend so much money on and can only wear for one day? no I take that back not even a day sometimes a few hours! In some cultures the extravagance of the dress showed everyone how rich the family were..who cares? Buying an expensive dress for what? the photos? is it worth it? and then bridesmaids when did it change from the brides family paying for everything to the bridesmaids buying their own? and not even their choice but the brides choice, so it may not be flattering or a color you like or it might be several hundred dollars but if you want to be in the wedding party you have to buy it and if you don't then you and the bride aren't friends anymore? You don't get to be in the wedding just because you cant afford the dress she wants? Its not just the dress though is it, Its the shoes a well. and it doesn't stop there what about flowers? and then a gift for the bridal shower and then money for the bachelorlette party wherever that might be ..Vegas? somewhere equally expensive which the bridesmaid has to pay for. and then in some instances guests have to pay for their meal and the reception WTF? oh and don't forget the ultimate gift for the actual wedding as well. So its beginning to look way more expensive for the bridesmaids than the bride. When did this evolution happen? when did it get to be like this? A bridal shower whats that about? is it a way for the couple to get extra gifts? According to some sources not only do you have to buy a gift whether you go or not. Your gift also gets exposed and I guess put up for ridicule if its not expensive/good enough. The poor person who buys something small because she works part time and has 3 children. The person who considers the bride to be a special friend but cant afford to buy the dress and the shoes, go to Vegas, buy a bridal shower gift, buy an actual wedding gift, she obviously wasn't that special if the bride cuts her out the wedding. What a crock of shit! Id rather have a dress I could wear again, a wedding where everyone could eat whatever they wanted without paying, a potluck even, Bring a gift , don't bring a gift, just come be here on my day. Who writes the etiquette for these occasions and why did they become a thing. Seems to me its all about the greed, its all about who can spend the most money, who can have the fanciest dress. I understand that girls want to be princesses on their special day. but is it really worth spending all that money, going into debt or your family going into debt for one days activities, its a very scary thought to me. Plus now the bride and groom now almost tell you what they want, which color they want it in and what store to get it at. Or they jut ask for money.Where did the thought go? Now we apparently cant even give a gift that we think they might like. Ok so I guess it cuts down on getting 12 toasters but isn't it the thought the counts? Apparently not. Weddings are not about friendship, family, happiness, they're about money pure and simple. Although I do acknowledge that this does not apply to everyone. That to some it is about friendship and family. I also acknowledge that weddings are an expensive business but don't have to be, because really aren't you getting married to show you each other you want to spend the rest of your life together. And really, how much does that really cost? Surely the most important part is the rest of your life together, not a few hours that cost you into the thousands.