Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind The Curtain

Many people suffer with mental illness and its different for everyone. Do I? yes! do you? I dont know, do I care if you do? yes I care a great deal but at the same time I am battling with my own demons. Major Depressive Disorder with anxiety, and an eating disorder. I am not looking for sympathy, this entry is merely a glimpse into how my mind works, and what would happen if I gave in to the demons.
Do I feel sad? is that what depression is?

Sad? I suppose in a small way, Its not wanting to get up in the morning, Its wanting to stay hidden and alone, and at the same time wanting to be noticed and have friends. Its the sound screaming in my head wishing for silence, its the loud noises that I cant stand, Its the sound of your phone dinging with some notification, the ensuing suspicion and doubt of myself and my self worth.

Anxiety? Its the fear of the unknown. The fear of meeting new people, The fear of never meeting new people. The fear of rejection. The fear of let down, this makes you want to not even try. friends just let you down. The pounding heart beat. The nausea. The sound of rushing in your ears. Every sound accentuated, makes it seem 3 times louder than it really is.

Depression - the feeling that no-one cares, how could anyone love someone like me? 2 failed marriages what does that tell you about me? that Im really not that lovable, Im barely even likeable. The desperate need to be wanted by someone but then disbelief when they do, the lack of trust. The suspicion that the person you are with will find someone else prettier, slimmer, better than you. When you feel you give everything you have to give and no-one really gives a shit anyway.

An eating disorder - eating because it the only thing you can control, only you cant control it, it controls you and everyone looks at you and you know what they are thinking. And you wonder why anyone likes you at all because you are just that fat bitch with a British accent, and no-one really cares about you, they just want to be one of the people that knows the Brit chick, like you are some party toy.

How can anyone deal with this much going on in their brain, believe me its exhausting and then on top of that I dont sleep, because every night I relive every single thing that happened during the day. And again my heart pounds and my palms sweat and I fear that i upset someone at work and I fear I hurt someones feelings .

And theres the weekends when I fear the episodes of intense rage, the wanting to walk away and not deal with the rage which burns me up and makes me feel like I could kill someone. The leave me alone and then the please love me.

My poor husband who sticks with me and holds me when I fall apart, the man who wont let me go no matter what. The man who sees the rage and shows no fear, and you know how I repay him? I accuse him of cheating because who would want to love a psycho like me?

This is what goes on in my head, But I dont give in, That doesn't mean I haven't wanted to give in, to make it stop, I do and have wanted that so much.

I push myself, I make myself do things. I audition for plays, which by the way is the scariest thing ever, But if I didnt push myself I would give in and the demons will win. I make new friends ,  I tell myself Im worth it even if I dont believe it.

I do this so Im not the man behind the curtain, I want to be Dorothy who gets the ruby slippers and has a dream and has adventure.

I dont know why I have a mental illness, and I know I will always struggle with it, but I also want a life. never do I want a gravestone that says "Born- Died-" I want it to say "she lived a full life"

Is it easy NO not ever, but I try , I fall and I get back up , it hurts and move along, its loud and I calm it down.

I try.

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